


The long P-arm of the law (comes with parmesan cheese)

by notawalnut



Category: Bob's Burgers (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Detectives, Alternate Universe - Future, Angst, F/F, I Don't Even Know, No Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:34:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26518303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notawalnut/pseuds/notawalnut
Summary: "Oh it's not real!" Millie says waving at the gun in Louise’s hand as if the idea was hilarious "it's just a water gun, look" she lifts the gun to her own head with Louise's hand still on the trigger "pull the trigger, you'll make my hair frizzy, at worst.""Oh my God you are a psycho!" Louise pulls her own hand from the gun "do you think I don't know the difference between a real gun and a water pistol, what if I had just shot you in the head?!”"You would have been in trouble" she laughs putting the gun in her pocket "but I got the gun back""I suppose you did" Louise says trying not to hyperventilate "that's not great"
Relationships: Louise Belcher/Millie Frock
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Did I rewatch all of Bob's burgers during lockdown? I sure did. Am I re-obsessed with these two (potential) gaybies? Indeed. Did I write an adult trash detective AU? You bet.

Louise presses on her temple. Papers are piling up on her desk, she's not sure how long ago it got dark, but she's been straining her eyes trying to read by the streetlight shining through her window long enough to give her a splitting headache. She gets up and switches on the ceiling light, the bare bulb sends searing light into every corner and doubles the headache.

She wonders why she thought this would be an easy job. It's just day after day of letting people down and letting people down again. "Sorry, I can't help you find your son if he doesn't want to be found" "Sorry, Ms. Morris I can't prove your cat was stolen" "sorry,...sorry,...sorry". She had let a really good case slip through her fingers today, very provable, a cheating husband. All she'd had to do was follow him until he met up with the other woman and snap some incriminating photos of the two of them. It was so simple that she'd put it on the back burner and the wife had only gone and taken her own photos. "We will no longer require your services' the couple were loaded too, so if she'd got the snap, the payout would have been better than six missing cats.

She stops ruminating on her crippling incompetence and, instead, glances at her fridge littered with scraps of paper she didn't want to lose in the chaos, they have become a chaos of their own. She feels a pang of hunger and realises she hasn't eaten since breakfast, she pulls the fridge door without much hope of finding edible food. As expected the only edible thing in there was the ice forming behind the shelves. She decides to go out and buy food at the 24 hour garage a couple of blocks away, which will definitely be open, no matter what the time is. She grabs her keys and some cash and slams the door behind her, the breeze ruffles some papers on her desk.

*

The garage is fluorescently lit and depressing as ever, the shelves have been almost picked clean and Louise finds herself facing the impossible choice between **'microwave chicken meal** ' and ' **microwave beef meal'** , it's a choice she had failed to make before.

A noise disturbs her from her reverie, from the front of the garage she hears a small thud, a muttering of words and the unmistakable cocking of a gun. This neighbourhood is terrible but Louise herself has never actually seen a robbery taking place, in half morbid curiosity and half concern she makes her way, quietly, to the front of the store.

Sure enough there was an obviously inexperienced robber taking the contents of the cash register, they were observably inexperienced because they were holding the gun in a very casually and gesturing with it, it was textbook for disarming, practically before Louise had even decided to tackle the thief she had the gun in her hand. She pushes the money back over the counter to the cashier before looking up at the robber first she is surprised to notice that the culprit is female and then she is appalled to recognise her, under her black ski mask, as a girl she used to go to school with. 

Louise notices the cashier pulling out his mobile to call the police and quickly flashes her P.I. badge "Don't worry about it, I'm police, I'll take her in and make a full report. We'll be in touch, thank you sir" in return he thanks her profusely and she considers, not for the first time, how much easier it would have been to stick at being an officer than going private.

She leaves with Millie and walks for two blocks before stopping and looking at her quizzically "So...what was that about then?"

"It's so good to see you, Louise!" Millie grins pulling off her mask "that was soooo nice, well, as long as you're not _really_ going to arrest me" she laughs as if that would be a bizarre reaction.

"I can't _really_ arrest you, I'm not proper police, I'm just a P.I. I think you should probably explain what you think were doing though, because I should have certainly let that guy call the police." Louise struggles to think of why she didn't - the shock of seeing an old friend, kind of friend, she supposed.

"Oh, it's not real!" Millie says waving at the gun in Louise’s hand as if that idea, too, was hilarious. "It's just a water gun, look" she lifts the gun to her own head with Louise's hand still on the trigger "pull the trigger, you'll make my hair frizzy, at worst."

"Oh my God you are a psycho!" Louise pulls her own hand away from the gun "do you think I don't know the difference between a real gun and a water pistol, what if I had just shot you in the head?!”

"You would have been in trouble" she laughs putting the gun in her pocket "but I got it back"

"I suppose you did" Louise says trying not to hyperventilate "that's not great"

“Oh don't worry, I'm not going to shoot you" she looks hurt at the concept "I'm not going to shoot anyone" she taps her pocket "this is for protection."

"Right" Louise rolls her eyes "protection against cashiers who hurl money at you, did he start it?"

"Yeah well, I didn't shoot him." she says, defensively "How long have you been a Private Investigator anyway? It's very quaint, I didn't realise they were really a thing anymore.”

"Well, far be it from me to ignore career advice from the career criminal." Louise grits her teeth "and, actually, I do alright as long as people are assholes there's something to do. Thankfully we live in an absolute human garbage fire of a place. What are you doing here anyway? You're can't still be stalking me right?" Yep, that was too far, she realises it as soon as the words leave her mouth, / _note to self 'don't upset people with guns'./_

"You always were a bit full of yourself." Millie frowns "No. Well I suppose I might as well tell you. I'm trying to get myself out of a bit of a fix, I started selling some gear and some guy jumped me yesterday and took everything I had on me and now when I get back to the supplier I'm going to have nowhere near enough to pay him off. That's why I was trying to pull off that robbery, it was a really bad idea."

"Was it?" Louise drawls sarcastically.

"Hey, you couldn't loan me a-" 

Louise cuts her off "You're kidding?!" She shakes her head "I didn't call the police on you, so you're asking me for money?"

"Yeah I thought not. You probably don't make enough anyway, if we're honest with each other" Millie smiles passively "don't worry, I'll think of something."

"I'm not worried. I’m going home." Louise turns, considering calling the police, purely for the (likely true) comment on her income.

"Mind if I tag along? I don't have anywhere to stay until I get that cash." Millie smiles, sheepishly, but not self conscious enough at all considering the ridiculous-ness of the situation.

"No. What? Yes, I do mind!" Louise is taken aback realising if she goes home Millie will know her address, although she is in the phone book so, it wouldn't take a genius, anyway. 

"Right, yeah, course not. No, I get it." She looks at her feet and Louise finds herself feeling guilty for upsetting her childhood kind-of-friend.

"I feel like I've been a pretty good Samaritan about this. I mean I guess a good Samaritan would have called the police, but you know what I mean."

"Yeah, and thanks, really, that was great" Millie nods "I mean I'd probably have the money free and clear if it wasn't for you but..." she trails off, mournfully.

"Wow, yep, you're welcome then." A bitter feeling creeps up Louise's throat. "Give me the gun."

Millie's hand moves protectively to her pocket "What..?"

"I'm not going to let you stay in my apartment with a gun, Millie, you're scary enough without one."

"Really?" A smile breaks across her face and she presses the gun into Louise's hand "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

"Alright, yeah, okay for one night." Louise takes the clip out of the gun "Please don't kill me or rob me we'll figure out something for your money troubles in the morning."

"You're the best, Louise! I always knew you were a diamond!" She laughs.

"Yeah and I always knew you were a psycho." Louise mutters.


	2. Burgers can't be infusers (infused with thyme)

  
'Your place is a tip, huh?" Millie asks assessing the damage of the small apartment littered with papers.

"Oh there's an idiom about this" Louise answers sarcastically, locking Millie's gun in the shoddy safe bolted to her desk "something about beggars can't be judgmental when someone invites them round?"

"Point taken, yeah" she glances at the safe "I can have that back when I go, right?"

"Hmm, I mean, I don't want it here but I might keep the bullets, just so I feel less guilty if I hear that you shot some clerk at the movie theatre, or something." 

"I won't, I won't, I just need it to scare people off, honest."

"Doesn't need bullets then, does it?" Louise smiles back, slightly patronising.

"Yeah, course not." She purses her lips "got any interesting "cases" then?" She asks jovially, changing the subject.

"Why did you literally just finger quote "cases"? That's so rude, they're cases. They're mostly very boring, but they're cases." Louise frowns critically, opening her laptop and browsing her emails.

"What's the most boring then?" Millie grins, pushing some papers aside and perching herself on the breakfast bar that runs across the kitchen and dining room and _only living space_.

"Hmm," Louise considers the question "it's a mind-numbing tie between Mrs. Merkins plant thief and Dr. Jay's noise complaints against his 92 year-old neighbour."

"Sorry, I fell asleep” Millie laughs “what's the most interesting, then?" 

"Definitely gossip worthy is Lenny Destefino being stalked by a sixty year old woman” Louise pulls an appropriate face “Oh and I got a really strange one via email, I have a meeting about it tomorrow, but I can't talk about that one because it's on-going.”

"Urgh, Lenny from school?" Louise nods "Still at it, but you have to tell me what the email's about, who am I going to tell?" Millie asks, raising her eyebrows.

Louise shakes her head "I'm pretty sure there's some kind of rule about it, or there should be.”

"Just the gist of it, c'mon, that can't hurt" she clasps her hands together "pleeeeeaaassee" 

"Fine, fine" Louise acquiesces "missing person, with a twist"

"Spouse. It's always the spouse." Millie speculates confidently.

"Not this time, because the missing person's not actually missing, she reported it herself"

"What? Why?"

"She wants to convince her boyfriend that she's disappeared and I have to pretend to be hired by her parents to investigate him. I have to try to scare him off" 

"Wait, so you're meeting up with the boyfriend?" Millie frowns.

"Yep" 

"And the missing person hired you to...act? You don’t think that’s weird?”

"Yeah, kind of, I just have to question him and I get paid, though, well worth it." Louise shrugs, casually.

"Is he, like, really dodgy, then, the boyfriend?"

"I don't think so, sounds like he's just too keen, to be honest" Louise shuffles some of the papers on the desk into a pile.

"Alright, sounds weird, but whatever” Millie holds up her hands.

"Yeah, yeah, look" Louise closes her laptop and shoves it into the desk drawer "the couch pulls out, you'll figure it out and then we'll figure out the rest in the morning, I really hope that cashier doesn't get in touch with the police."

"Oh he won't he totally bought it" Millie waves a hand and hops down from the bench.

"All well and good for you to say" Louise frowns "he didn't even see your face, and you won't lose your job, because you don't have one."

"Alright, alright" Millie rolls her eyes "should have called the police then, shouldn't you?"

"Definitely" Louise raises her eyebrows "I'm sure there's still time, so go to sleep before I change my mind" 

*

The morning light is pooling in the window of Louise’s room when she wakes up. As she contemplates the bizzar dream she had last night she notices a noise in her apartment, and a smell, like pancakes. She decides to investigate.

"What's this?" Louise stares baffled by her kitchen, almost visible through a light dusting of papers and newspaper scraps "Have you moved my stuff?"

Millie is standing by the stove frying a pancake as if she didn’t just rise up from Louise’s nightmare "Just helping out, I've sorted your files into stuff that's finished (you should probably throw that away) and stuff you're stuck on" she gestures to one pile and then another "you must be wasting a ridiculous amount of paper have you thought of doing it all digitally?"

Louise takes a deep breath "Millie. What on Earth is going on? Why are you making pancakes and messing with my stuff?" Louise notices a red and white bag on the bench “Wait...did you go _back_ to the garage?"

"Well, yeah, you didn't have and eggs, or milk, or anything actually-"

"Was it the same guy?" Louise cuts her off "did he recognise you? Your voice?"

"Not in the slightest, I even asked him about it, he thought it was a man - or he's pretending he did to show off" she shrugs as if it’s the least consequential thing she has going on right now.

"You" Louise takes a deep breath "you asked him about the robbery." She clenches her jaw "How did you explain knowing about it?" 

"I just said my friend had seen it happen" she frowns "really Louise it's fine, he's not bothered"

"Of course not, he enjoys being robbed, doesn't he?" Louise tries to control her breathing again, why didn't she just call the police last night? Idiot.

"Actually" Millie says holding out a plate of pancakes to Louise "he's on an expired Visa, so her really doesn't want to be questioned, in case that comes up."

Louise stares blankly at her "and he told you that?" 

"What can I say I'm very trustable" Millie grins once again proffering the pancakes.

"Are you?" Louise asks skeptically wondering if the pancakes are poisoned. She waves a hand "No. Thanks."

"You're sure?" She knitted her brow "You look like you could do with it"

"Okay, Millie, what the hell is this? You are actually going to leave right? You don't live here now?"

"No, I was just trying to apologise" she puts the plate down "I can go." 

"What are you going to do for money?" Louise asks, remembering the brief conversation from the day before.

"I'll figure something out, don't worry" 

"I mean I'm not worried I'm just asking-"

"Yeah, of course, it'll be fine." Millie smiles, a slightly forced smile Louise thinks "Anyway you've got to get to that meeting, about the missing woman who's not missing haven't you?"

"No, I've got-" she glances at the clock "shit yeah, I've got, like, 20 minutes."


	3. I can't basil-leaf it (comes with fresh basil)

Louise is late for the meeting, but so is the guy she's meeting, so it worked out. She managed to get rid of Millie before she left, and she has time to think about what she's going to say.

Louise wonders why this guy wanted to meet in this small dingy bar before lunchtime, who goes to a bar before lunchtime? It's weird. Louise hopes he’s not worried about his girlfriend, that would make her feel guilty.

“Sorry I’m late" he says taking his seat 42 minutes later than they'd arranged. He doesn't sound sorry.

"Jason, right?" He nods and she continues "Listen, I don't know if you're aware. But your partner, Charlotte Hope, has been reported missing."

"Hmm" he sounds surprised "who said that?" He asks with a slightly condescending tone.

"Her parents raised the concern" Louise replies trying to imply that she's actually police "about two weeks ago, have you seen her since the 4th?"

"Yeah, actually I saw Lottie a few days ago...Tuesday, I think."

Louise hadn't really expected him to challenge her, after all, he hadn't done anything to Charlotte. Maybe he's just trying to take the heat off himself, in a really dumb way?

"Where did you see her? Could any CCTV footage have caught you two together?" 

He raises his eyebrows "You couldn't take my word for it?" His tone is part offended, part jeering "I'll tell her to call her parents next time we hook up" he winks unpleasantly as he stands up, Louise stands too.

"No, I really would like to clear this up now" she follows him as he walks towards the side door "if you have a way of getting in touch with her do it now" Louise knew the number he had had for Charlotte had been disconnected "and if not, I'll have to ask you about the circumstances of your last meeting." 

Jason steps out of the door into a small alley with a designated smoking area. He lights a cigarette as Louise steps after him. "Alright" he says and she's not really sure what he means.

"Alright? Alright, you'll tell me?" Louise asks, she really doesn't like this guy.

He continues as if she didn't speak "I saw Lottie on Tuesday this week, she came round mine and we had a drink, amongst _other_ things" Louise doesn't understand how he makes mild innuendos sound so disgusting.

"Right, well I have reason to believe that's untrue" she says flatly "did anyone see you together?"

"I hope not" he laughs "though my neighbour is a bit of a peeping Tom."

"I hope you understand that this is very serious, Jason." 

"I've told you what I know" he's defensive, Louise takes a step backwards "this is bordering on harassment, can I see your badge?" 

"Sure" Louise says, she reaches into her pocket and flashes it as quickly as she can "there"

"Give it here" he holds out his hand.

"That's not generally how this works" Louise glances behind her, the alley looks much longer all of a sudden.

"But it's not a proper badge, so what, it's fake? You've just shown me a fake badge? Who the fuck are you?" 

"Hey! Calm down it's not fake. I'm a P.I." Louise steadies herself, _/why did she follow him outside?/_

"Righttt" he laughs "but you're not police, you said you were police." 

"Actually, I - _very deliberately_ \- did not say that" she says trying to lighten the mood.

"Did Pauline send you?" He asks, forcefully.

"Pauline..?" Louise trails off trying to decide if it was better if Pauline had hired her or not.

"Lottie’s mom, Pauline. For Christ sake, so what you're just here for fun? Little creep" 

"No, listen, I was hired and I've done what I said I'd do, so I'll leave you alone" she starts to turn and he grabs her arm as she does.

"No. You listen, you're going to tell me who paid you to start asking questions about _my_ Lottie?” He shakes her by the arm "Why are you doing this?!"

"Well, why are you lying to me?!" Louise breaks free trying to square up to the man towering nearly over a foot above her head.

"Oh, sorry, didn't mean to interrupt" Millie says exiting the bar with a vape pen in her hand "lover's tiff?" Louise just stares at her, Jason backs off "Sorry, I'm nosey" she laughs and, with a sickeningly sweet voice, stresses "I'll mind my own business!"

"I'd better not see you again" Jason says before striding back into the bar, when the door closes behind him Louise relaxes and Millie laughs.

"What a dope!" She peers through the window into the bar "why was he lying to you? If he hasn't even done anything?"

"What the hell was that?" Louise blinks, confused, and then indignant "are you following me?"

"Well, yes" she confesses "but for a good reason I promise!" 

"Yeah, I've heard that before."

"I was worried that the guy was nuts and look I was right, I just thought you might need some back up, so I dropped by"

"Yeah, right, and how exactly did you know where to 'drop by'?" Louise questions pointedly.

"I read the email about it" she rolls her eyes "I just wanted to help out is all.”

"You went on to my computer and read my emails-"

" _Email_ , just one"

"And then stalked me, _again_."

"No I didn't. I didn't. I just thought you might be in trouble (and you _were)_. I helped!" Millie holds out her palms, exasperated.

"Well, I might have gotten more out of him if you hadn't interrupted" Louise doesn't really think that’s likely, but who knows.

"Yeah, he was quaking in his boots, Louise." Millie shakes her head "can I have my gun back, you didn't give it to me this morning"

"Yeah, 'cause I don’t think you need a gun, Millie. I'll get rid of it." 

"You're going to feel bad when I turn up dead after I went to all this effort to help you" Millie kicks the dusty paving stones in the alley.

"Yeah" Louise shrugs "I probably am"

“No, wait -” Millie lowers her voice “but I'm pretty sure it wasn’t Lottie who set you that email.” 

“What?” Louise's blood chills “What are you talking about?”

“The girl who sent you the email. I used to work with her, she disappeared a few weeks ago and I don’t think it could have been as simple as a stalker ex. She left her kid at school, I'm sure someone did something to her, but the police don’t care. She was just written off because she had a record…and she was selling drugs.”

“Millie” Louise looks astounded “you’re trying to tell me that you read an email from a woman you knew had gone missing under suspicious circumstances and you didn’t think it would be a good idea to warn me about that?”

“Well, I kind of” Millie looks down at her feet “wrote the email”

Louise takes a deep breath “you’re making this up” she laughs “why am I trying to make sense of this, you’re psycho.”

“I’m not! I'm not making it up.” Millie looks like she’s going to cry “I sent it last week, I just wanted to see what Jason would say to the police”

“Wait so, you know that guy?” Louise gestures to the empty space in the alley that Jason had recently vacated.

“I'd never met him before but Lottie talked about him. She said they never even really dated, he’s just crazy.”

“So, what” Louise holds out her hands “you set up that robbery? This is insane!”

“No, I did – do – need some cash and I know that's a good place to hit, because he sometimes doesn’t risk calling the police, but…” she averts her eyes “I was kind of hanging around your place – I wanted to hear what Jason said and I didn’t know when you were going to meet him.”

“So you _have_ been stalking me then and sending me on cases I'm not going to get paid for. I mean, I assume ‘Charlotte’s’ check isn’t going to clear, right?” 

“Well, no, but don’t you want to know what he did to her?” Millie gestures emphatically. “He's as good as admitted it now, by lying!” 

“He really hasn’t” Louise shakes her head “for all we know he’s telling the truth, and anyway, it’s only a crime to lie to a real police officer.”

“He’s not telling the truth! I told you she left her son in school, he’s only six. He was lying, you must have been able to tell."

“He seemed like he was, yeah” Louise admits “but I don’t know what you want me to do about it.”

“I'm just trying to figure out what happened to her, I feel terrible, I'm the one who told her running drugs was a good way of making some extra cash, we're supposed to look after the people we recruit.”

“Sounds a bit cult-y, to be honest” Louise shakes her head “but I guess it’s a positive that you feel bad about it? I'd go to the police with you but I feel like that guy has more on me than I do on him.”

“I told you the police don’t listen” Millie sighs, exasperated “but, we could go round to his house, I mean you have his address, right?”

“Yeah, I do…” Louise shakes her head “but I really don’t think we should-”

“Just give me his address, Louise” she pauses, unsure, and then continues “and my gun.”

“What? No!” Louise pinches the bridge of her nose “You’re plan is to shoot him?”

“No! He'll have a gun. It’s not safe to go without it.” 

“I understand that you want to find your friend, but” Louise exhales “either she just left or he did something to her. If it is the latter he won’t mind doing you in too, will he?” 

“He will if I have my gun Louise.” 

“…Alright” Louise let’s her shoulders relax “I’ll help you figure out what happened to her.”


End file.
